MiyuSawa Regret
by SumsMasterpiece
Summary: Love can be a tricky concept in an ignorant world. When two college baseball players, Sawamura Eijun and Miyuki Kazuya begin a secret relationship, all seems perfect, until it wasn't.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

The suit that Sawamura was wearing, felt unnecessary. It felt uncomfortable. It felt wrong. He stared at his reflection and he couldn't believe that who he was seeing looking back at him. The once fire in his golden lion eyes was dull and foggy with the blackest bags under them. His face was beginning to have a five o'clock shadow. All prickly and rough. His tan skin was paler. His torso, slimmer, almost to the point of seeing ribs. It reminding him of when he had the yips.

Just years before, he was the healthiest and happiest man alive. A new and upcoming baseball player. All because of his catcher by his side. His partner.

Sawamura sucked in his lower lip and ran his teeth over it, he had to stop thinking like that. He no longer played baseball, and to remember the past is too painful now. Especially, when they were filled with memories of him.

The golden eyed boy ran his hand through his brown hair to try and make it look tamed but to no avail. He sighed and turned away from the stranger in the mirror.

He gazed into the apartment that was a mess as if a tornado swept through the entire place and whipped everything around. He tripped over some alcohol bottles and cursed under his breath.

He was angry. Angry at himself for letting himself fall this much. Angry for his very early retirement. Angry that he was going today. And angry because of how empty he felt. Empty because he left him to feel like this, knowing that he'd never heal.

* * *

The funeral was all a blurry in his mind. The room filled with sniffles and choked sobs. The air was almost suffocating.

Sawamura just stayed by the entrance of the temple not having the strength to walk more in to face the truth. The truth that Miyuki Kazuya was dead.

"Eijun-kun?" Haruichi touched the middle of his friend's back knowing that he needed to tread lightly. "Let's go sit. The mass should be starting soon."

Sawamura just nodded and let Haruichi lead him to a seat near the back. Smart given that Sawamura was two seconds from bolting out the doors. He couldn't take this atmosphere. The air filled with grief that Miyuki was gone and was never coming back no matter how much they would want him to.

Sawamura really didn't believe today was real. He was waiting for Miyuki to burst through the doors with that smirk and him laughing about how everyone looked and how easy it was to fool them all. Then Kuramoichi would hit him repeatedly and Sawamura would just cry from joy and run into his arms and hold him tight. Because he would be alive.

But this wasn't a prank that Miyuki planned. Sawamura knew that somewhere in his heart. He knew because he was the one to find him. He was the one to hold him in his arms as Miyuki's life faded. Sawamura pleaded and begged and sobbed for Miyuki to not leave him, that he loved him, but by the time the medics arrived it was too late.

Haruichi just took his hand in his and squeezed lightly. Satoru looked at Haruichi then at their old friend. Sawamura just stared ahead as the head of the temple came into view at the front of the room.

"If everyone may be seated we will begin. Let's start with a prayer."

Everyone joined in. Sawamura didn't. He didn't have the energy.

Sawamura decided to look around the room at how many people were at Miyuki, his boyfriend's, funeral. And to his surprise, it wasn't that many. Just a little over twenty people were present.

Soon enough the room faded into silence, or as silent as it can with people sniffing back tears. And people began to come up to speak their eulogies right in front of your body.

It was then that Sawamura took in account of the love of his life in the box. He looked like he always did but faker. The makeup they did to make his corpse look alive couldn't fool Sawamura when he mesmerized every feature of that face especially when Miyuki would fall asleep.

The first to come up was Coach Kataoka. He spoke of how great it was to have you as a member of Seido and how much potential you had and how it is sad that the world couldn't see more of it. When he was finished, he bowed and sat back in his seat.

Sawamura sank to the floor, bringing his knees to his chest. He couldn't do this after all. It was getting so hard to breathe in the temple and he felt so hot. He just clenched his eyes shut and buried his head in his knees, tears freely streaming down his cheeks.

'Why did you have to leave me, Kazuya? You could've at least have taken me with you.'

A few unknowns came up to speak about you, Sawamura just assumed they were either family or neighbors. Miyuki was never very open about his home life. Or anything really that related to his past.

Then a distraught Rei came to the front. Her eyes were swollen and red and her cheeks were still wet. She spoke of how you two first met and how close you two seemed to have gotten. She stated that she felt like Miyuki was like a son to her when she could never have children of her own and then she fell to her knees and sobbed hard in front of everyone. Kataoka had to come up and pick her up off the floor. Adjusting her classes, they walked back to their seats.

Kuramoichi then came up and it was hard for Sawamura to see his Senpai so hurt. His speech was less gentle, talking on all the pranks he pulled on him and all of his teasing that drove him crazy. But he was just yelling at one point, yelling at him to just stop fooling around and get up already. Ryosuke had to come up and drag him away and out of the room.

Sawamura just shrank more into himself, his human ball that he was becoming was in so much pain. 'Just make it stop. Make it go away. Just end. Please come back, Kazuya. You know I can't do this.'

But to his surprise, Chris stood and walked with something between his arm. Eyes widening, Sawamura lifted himself up and sat back in his seat.

Chris went on a story of how he saw great potential in Miyuki and how his one regret was that he couldn't compete for the first string catcher spot fairly when they went to Seido.

When he finished, he turned toward Miyuki and presented a catcher's mitt and placed it in the casket with him. When he turned toward the rest of the room, he wiped away a tear from his eye and walked toward his father.

For a long minute, no one moved. Then, with weak legs, Sawamura stood. He was shaking so bad. He moved to the aisle way and for a moment it looked blurry and he stumbled.

Haruichi moved to help him but he shook him off muttering that he was fine.

Finally getting closer to the front, to his boyfriend, it was so unreal.

Miyuki Kazuya's body, dressed in a suit that he would probably have never worn by choice in life was perfectly pressed. His hands folded on top of one another. And his face. The glasses were perfect on his face that cast a slight shadow on his cheeks.

Sawamura placed his hand on top of Miyuki's. Cold. Just what he expected yet that didn't stop his heart to drop because this was very much real.

"I just need a minute," Sawamura didn't even look at the rest of them. "I'm going to tell them our story, Kazuya. I hope that's alright. But the intimate memories, I'll keep those with me. I know that is selfish of me, but you always said that I was selfish when it came to baseball and you, right?" His golden eyes glazed over and he leaned in and lightly ghosted his lips over Kazuya's and it didn't feel the same. It didn't feel like him. This wasn't his Kazuya. So cold and no emotion. "I love you."

He finally turned to the crowd and his hand needed to grab something. He wanted nothing more than to hide behind the podium, but he wouldn't. His and Kazuya's story needed to be open and expressed without hiding. His nails began digging into his palms instead.

"Ugh, I'm Sawamura Eijun. I am-," he corrects himself, "was Kazuya's boyfriend." Some faces in the crowd turned into shock and some into disgust and some just stayed neutral.

"I met Kazuya when Rei took me to Seido for a scouting visit and I would have never predicted on how that chance meeting would change my life forever. That was where our history began.

I wasn't very good, I was just a stupid kid with big dreams and an even bigger mouth with no skill to back my words up. With help from people I got better and slowly, I felt I was getting closer and becoming more reliable to everyone especially Kazuya.

But with an accident in my pitching during a game, I got the yips and it felt like my world was ending. But with the help of Chris-senpai I worked at it and soon I was almost over it.

I came to Seido to be with Kazuya. For him to catch my pitches and form a battery with me. I guess it was selfish of me.

When Kazuya got hurt, I thought my world was going to end. But what hurt more was that it felt like he couldn't trust the team or me to tell us that he was hurt.

And when Kazuya graduated, I thought that the short times we formed a battery wasn't enough but he needed to experience so much more. His talent would take him places I could never dream of.

And so, being the lovesick idiot that I was, I followed him to college," Sawamura chuckled a little, "I can remember the look on his face when he heard my voice and looked up and saw me.

And then we actually formed a battery. I was so happy but I was also selfish. I pushed myself on him, ambushing him with my feelings and at first, he wasn't ready but over time we became more.

But he was so scared. He was always a private man. Wearing a mask to protect himself from the world. But he was his true self with me and we were happy.

But I should have known better because by our second year in university, someone found out about us and I guess he couldn't take the ridicule and judgment. It was all my fault. I should have never fallen in love with him," Sawamura bows to everyone and he sobs harder, "I'm so sorry that my selfishness took the greatest catcher from us. Please forgive me."

Haruichi bolted up and ran to his friend and pulled him into a hug where the sobs grew louder and turned into wails and silent screams. "Shh Eijun-kun." Pushing them forward, he took Eijun back to their seats.

The head of the temple came to the front again and said his thanks to everyone for coming and for their stories and that they'd bury Miyuki tomorrow.

Tomorrow. Another day for Sawamura to be alone with his thoughts and a reminder that Kazuya was gone. Forever.

After everyone was leaving. Kuramochi, Ryousuke, Haruichi, Satoru, Chris, and Eijun all stood together in a circle.

"I need a drink," Kuramochi muttered as he loosened his tie. "Let's go to a bar."

Everyone nodded their agreement and they all found a table at a nearby bar.

Though everyone at the table was sad for the loss of their friend, they decided to try and celebrate the life of Miyuki Kazuya by drinking to his memory.

"To our loving friend and teammate, Miyuki," Chris raised his bottle of beer and everyone raised theirs to his and clinked them together.

"Cheers!"

Everyone drank, but Sawamura gulped all of his beer down.

The brunette ordered something stronger. He wanted to feel numb. He wanted to feel nothing. He wanted to forget. He wanted to remember.

After awhile, Sawamura couldn't remember how many drinks he had and he honestly didn't care. He felt fuzzy and his chest and throat had a slight burn but he could still feel Kazuya's presence. He could remember sweet lips, how they tasted and felt. He could remember those lips smirking and laughing and moaning.

"Kun. Eijun-kun?" A voice broke through the memory and Haruichi's face was there. "Let's get you home."

Sawamura didn't want to go home. He didn't want to go to the apartment that held all the memories of his and Kazuya's hopes and dreams and memories.

"No," he groaned. His head was splitting and the room was spinning and he needed to throw up.

"We will get going. Please make sure to take care of him." Chris said to Haruichi as he, Ryousuke and Satoru left from the table the exit.

"Hey, get up you idiot. It's time to go home!" Kuramochi's face came into view and grabbed the collar of his dress shirt and yanked him from the chair at the table.

Sawamura swayed and almost tumbled over but Kuramochi placed his arm over his head and shoulders and grabbed the ex-pitchers side and walked toward the door.

"You can go home. I got him, Haruichi." Kuramochi turned his head toward the pink-haired boy. He knew that Haruichi worried about Sawamura.

Haruichi gathered his things, "please take care of him." And he walked out.

The world was a Tilt-A-Whirl, spinning and moving but Sawamura felt his legs were becoming more stable.

"I..can walk," he slurred and he lurched to the side and gagged. Kuramochi huffed in annoyance and stopped to the side of the street as Sawamura threw up everything in his stomach.

Kuramochi patted his back. It was odd for him to act so gentle toward his old kohai. But he did feel protective of this boy. An old roommate.

"You need to take better care of yourself, idiot. Miyuki is not here to do that for you anymore." He regretted those words as soon as they left his mouth.

Sawamura bolted straight up as tears pooled in his eyes again. 'Fuck.'

"You think I don't know that! I lost the love of my life. He died in my fucking arms, bastard. Of course, I know he's not here anymore."

Sawamura turned and started to run, but his running was more stumbling and Kuramochi ran after him.

"Wait, idiot."

When Sawamura turned to cross, he didn't notice the cars coming and Kuramochi ran as fast as his legs could carry him. Reaching for the drunk idiot.

"SAWAMURA!"

All that Eijun noticed was the blaring sound of a car horn and blinding lights then everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

Seido High School

Three years ago

Third year's graduation

The cherry blossom were in full bloom this season. Just in time for the third years to graduate and have the perfect setting. The perfect setting for saying goodbye.

Eijun knew that he had to tell him now or he may never get the chance. It has been two years that he has felt these feelings, feelings that have plagued his every waking moment at Seido.

But Eijun just sat in the chair in the gym, waiting for the graduation ceremony to be over. But the nagging voice reminding him that once it is over, Miyuki Kazuya would be out of his reach, again. Without realizing it, he starts to squirm in his seat butt moving side to side and legs shaking continuously. He had always been a mover. Always needing to be doing something, or at least some form of movement to feel relaxed and focused.

"Eijun-kun, can you please try to not move around so much," Haruichi taps on Sawamura's knee and his leg stops.

"Sorry, Haruichi. I'll try to control it." He bows his head and then looks forward of the principal saying random words and started with names.

Haruichi smiles and then turns to Furuya and shakes his shoulder to wake him up. He wakes with a pop of his snot bubble and shakes his head and rubs at his eyes.

Sawamura couldn't help but chuckle at his two friends. He really couldn't understand how they dealt with him for these past two years. With his loudness and idiotic tendencies.

The ceremony just kept dragging on, with name after name being called and the said person claiming their certificate. Eijun finds himself glancing to the waiting graduates, Sawamura catches a glare of frames in the crowd. Miyuki Kazuya. Hands in his pocket with that smirk. He looked just as unbelievable as he did when they both first met. Although there were noticeable changes, like how he filled out and got so much more muscle and he was a little bit taller too.

Sawamura didn't mean to stare (that's a total lie) but the more he looked at his senior, the more the world around seemed to fade in the background. As if all the colors mixed and hazed in a painting to make the central focus of the masterpiece jump out to the spectators.

Slowly the seniors moved and got their certificates. Eijun could feel his stomach clench the more Miyuki got closer to the stage. Closer to leaving.

When Miyuki's name was called, he walked across that stage with a confidence and accomplishment. He shook hands with the principal and then he was gone from Sawamura's sight. How could it have ended so quickly?

After the ceremony came to a close, the graduates found themselves at the baseball fields, getting their last fill or the fields before they left to go on with their lives.

To any outsider, they would have probably thought it childish to think that the now graduates were grateful to their three years on those baseball fields. How it had shaped them to be better people and players but also taught them life lessons.

"Tears don't suit you, Mochi. They just make your face look scarier~" Miyuki teased and sidestepped from the punch Kuramochi threw his way.

"You bastard, come here and I'll show you scary!"

All the graduates all laughed at the banter. When the situation calmed down after Kuramochi was able to get Miyuki into a headlock, he let go and the ex-captain dusted his school uniform.

"I should go to the coach's office and give him my last recommendations," with a quick nod of his head he turned and headed to the office.

Five minutes later, the rest of the baseball team came to say their final goodbyes to their senpai's. It was a bittersweet feeling, filled with tears and talks of encouragement.

Sawamura was going around and saying his goodbyes but he couldn't help searching for the one person he wanted to speak with more than anyone else.

"You're unusually quiet? It's kind of freaking me out a bit," Kuramochi lightly kicked Sawamura.

Shaking himself back to the present, he turns toward his ex-roommate. "Sorry, Kuramochi-senpai. I'm a little distracted," he laughs it off.

"If you're looking for the bastard he went to go talk with the coach. Making sure that the transition from you to him is all finalized."

Nodding, Sawamura decides that he'll just wait for Miyuki to return. And as if on point, Miyuki is leisurely walking toward the huge group of boys.

"Speak of the devil," Kuramochi muttered. "Everything good?"

Miyuki smirked and nodded, "Aw, did you miss me, Mochi? I wasn't gone that long," he teased.

"Shut the hell up! Who would miss your sarcastic ass?"

Eijun felt his blood pool and swirl at that comment. Who indeed?

"Miyuki Kazuya!"

Playfully rubbing at his ears, Miyuki turned toward his kohai. "Yes, Sawamura Eijun? What is it that you have to yell my full name when I'm basically right in front of you?" That damn smirk played at his lips. The smirk that Eijun dreamt about for two years. That smirk on those 'do naughty with me' lips.

Sawamura lowered his head, "Can we speak somewhere in private? I need to speak with you?"

"If you are asking me to catch for you one final time, I'm going to stop you right now. You have to lead the team to the Nationals and you need to preserve that arm of yours, Captain," Those eyes seemed so playful yet somehow hardened and showed control and dominance. Amber sparking and swirling in a heated stare. How could he be able to tease yet be commanding at the same time?

Feeling his cheeks heating he sputters, "T-that's not it at all, you damn tanuki!"

Kuramochi bursts out laughing which makes Eijun's face go full scarlet, even to the tips of his ears. Miyuki joins in, holding his stomach as he laughs his hardest.

Sawamura walks to Miyuki, grabs him by his wrists and drags him away while Kuramochi teases them. They make it to the walkway by the vending machines where Sawamura lets Miyuki go. Both males panting hard.

"So," Miyuki taking a few more deep breaths in. "What is it you want to talk about? It must be important for you to drag me away like that~"

Eijun's breath cuts off at the teasing comment. Some things truly never changed.

"W-well," the pitcher chews on a bit of dead skin on his lips. 'You can do this'. "I just wanted to know why?"

Miyuki places his hands in his pockets and smirks, "Why what?" He questions, trying to get his kohai to get straight to the point.

Eijun clenches and unclenches the fingers digging into his palms, "Why me? Why did you choose me to be the next captain? When I couldn't even become the ace." 'While you were here' is what he mentally adds.

Miyuki sighs out a breath of air and lets one of his arms go behind his head and scratches. His eyes are closed as if he is trying to figure out the right thing to say. His eyelids flutter open again, his beautiful amber eyes blazing a flame just like the one in Sawamura's stomach burning unbelievably hot.

Eijun was so focused on that feeling that he missed what Miyuki said to him, "Huh?"

The graduate places his hand down and stands straight, showing off the few inches he has over the new captain. "I said," he walks forward and places his hand on Sawamura's chest, "You have a lot of this and I think you can take the team far with it."

Eijun feared that Miyuki could feel the beat of his rapid heart through the fabric. Dammit, why does he have to say such cool things?

"Umm, w-what? How? You are such a cheeky bastard!" Eijun stumbled away from Miyuki sure that his face was as red as a lobster from how hot and on fire he felt.

Miyuki rolled his head back and roared out a loud laugh. But this laugh seemed different somehow. This laugh seemed more open. More intimate. It felt real. "Oh man," he breathed out trying to get as much air as possible back into his lungs. "You're the best, Bakamura truly you are."

If there was a way to become even redder, Sawamura succeed in just that. His cheeks puffed out in a pout and Miyuki coughs into his hand to calm his last bit of laughter. They stand there for a moment, silence settling between them. But it wasn't the comfortable silence they grew uncostumed to, this silence was thick with electricity, energy waiting for either of them to say anything to one another.

"I knew you were right for the role. You're the team's energy and mood maker. So it just made sense to me that that energy should just be the captain."

Sawamura's eyes blazed with pride. It was one of the nicest things that Miyuki was ever said to him.

"Can I ask you one more thing, Miyuki-senpai?"

"You just did."

Sawamura clenched his fist tight then, "You know what I mean, jerk."

Miyuki just shrugged, "Sure."

"Would you say that" Eijun swallows, "Would you say that I became a good pitcher? Did I do good?" This was it. This was all that Sawamura was waiting for. The thing he had been wanting for two years.

The right side of the spectacles-wearing man mouth lifted to a lopsided smirk. "Well it's true that Furuya is still better than you in certain aspects of the game and that is why you lost to him for the ace number again," Sawamura's eyes dropped to the ground, hands fisting until his knuckles are white. "But," He looks up than to look at the boy who was his sole purpose in coming to this school and away from his family and friends, "You did surprise me and improved faster than I thought you would. So in that respect, I'm proud to have been your catcher."

The world seemed to have stopped rotating. Eijun felt like he wasn't breathing anymore. Surprised was an understatement. Miyuki Kazuya, this arrogant jerk who teased Sawamura endlessly, just acknowledged him. It was all Eijun ever wanted. His blood sang in his ears.

"Oi, wipe that grin off your face. It's creeping me out," Eijun didn't even realize he was smiling. Didn't notice that the happiness he felt, was seeping through his physical features.

"S-sorry," Sawamura took the sleeve of his blazer and wiped at his face.

When he was done, they just stared at one another, amber meeting lion gold.

"So, where are you going now?"

Miyuki leaned against the wall and crossed his arms, "Why do you wanna know, huh?" That devilish smirk appearing again. Eijun could imagine his horns popping from his hair at the top of his head.

"No reason," He stammered. "You're probably got offers from the pros, right? I just want to know which team you're going to so I can keep track, that's all." Miyuki muttered something that Sawamura didn't hear, too low with the buzz of the vending machine so close, "What?"

Miyuki stood off the wall and walked until he was in front of Sawamura, nose to nose. "I said, I'm not going pro. I don't feel like I am ready enough. I want to learn more about baseball before I go pro."

Sawamura's head was spinning. What could Miyuki Kazuya possibly need to learn about baseball? He was a genius to the sport. "But, you're so talented?"

Miyuki's eyes sparkled with amusement. "Why thank you~"

"Dammit, would just tell me where then?!"

"Meiji."

The answer came sooner than Eijun thought.

"That's where I'm going. But listen to me Sawamura. I want you, when you graduate next year, to not follow me like a lost puppy. You need to learn to work with other catchers, learn their techniques and strategies. Go to the school that fits you best. Promise me, Sawamura." Miyuki's face sharpened and voice serious. Sawamura was in awe at the statement.

He didn't even have time to think about what Miyuki truly meant, "I promise."

The graduate just smiled and wrapped his arm around Sawamura's shoulders, "Come on now, let's go say our final goodbyes, captain~"

By the time the day ended and Miyuki Kazuya fully moved out and gone, it was then that Sawamura remembered that he never told Miyuki his feelings for him. Then he instantly remembered that Miyuki was going to university. Meiji. "I waited this long, what's one more year?" He muttered to himself as he flopped onto his bed. His mind wandered and it instantly went to think of his ex-catcher.

Eijun would miss his sarcastic and playful voice. He would him and the presence that he brought to the diamond. He would miss many things about Miyuki Kazuya, but there are some promises that some people just can't keep.


End file.
